The Crow finds himself at a bit of a loose end right now - having been canned as managing editor of the PIA blog as it pivots more exclusively towards SEO optimised output - I’ve been sitting on the couch twiddling my thumbs.

Actually, that’s not true. I’ve been away in the caravan twice - once to Dunham-on-the-hill and once to Wrenbury, spending some quality time with the kids and musing on some potential pitches for when the half term is over.

I have, however, spent a significant amount of time on reddit.

One entertaining picture which surfaced recently was on the r/ubuntu subreddit, which showed an image of a fortune cookie being cracked open, and the fortune inside reading, “The program ‘fortune’ is currently not installed. You can install it by typing: sudo apt-get install fortune-mod”.

A fortune cookie

There was discussion over whether the image was real, whether fortune cookie companies actually use Ubuntu and whether the r/ubuntu denizens should install it on their systems.

But fortune was written in 1979. This is given away by jokes such as:

Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you?

A: Ewe nicks.


Q: How many IBM 370’s does it take to execute a job?

A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

In short, fortune was conceived before this writer was, and I felt that the world would benefit from an update.

Taking inspiration from the greatest political thinkers of our age, The Crow has created covfefe - a super-simple bash script which will spit out quotes from Donald J. Trump, Vladimir V. Putin, and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, to help guide you in your life and help you to see your way through problems.

Simply clone it from github, copy the script to /usr/bin/ then type covfefe from any directory while pondering your future.

I’ll try it right now.

Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault. ― Donald Trump

Damn straight it is.

I’ll have another go - just to verify the usefulness of this afternoon’s “work”:

Sometimes it is necessary to be lonely in order to prove that you are right - Vladimir Putin

Again - covfefe is correct. Sometimes it is necessary to be lonely. sobs

For extra entertainment, pipe the output through to cowsay:

Words of covfefe wisdom from Boris Johnson

Words of covfefe wisdom from Vladimir Putin

Words of covfefe wisdom from Donald J Trump

I’m not going to say it’s hilarious, but it held my attention for at least three minutes, along with the occasional sensible chuckle.

The github page is here.